oops
by E. Nagrom
Summary: Everyone believes Daniel Jackson to be a linguist who can translate everything quickly. What happens when he gets it wrong? This is still work in progress, no romance just a friendly team fic
1. the wedding

A/N This had been going through my mind for ages and wouldn't let me sleep until I started to write it down at 2am in the morning…as you can imagine I had a lot of errors to fix. Also I don't speak Spanish I had help from a free translator on the net.

Summary: Everyone has Daniel as an excellent linguist who never makes a fatal/embarrassing mistake. Until now.

Spoilers: None well actually only that Jack cares about his team (but that's a no brainer though right?) and Emancipation (Season 1 ep. 03 with the Mongols)

_**Stargate Command**_

General George Hammond was sitting next to Walter Harriman watching his flag team SG-1 going off to a new frontier, a place that no man has gone before… Hammond made a mental note to stop watching Star trek with Teal'c and give him back the Star Wars box set, just hope he will play it when the base personnel are not around to start riots again. Colonel Jack O'Neill stood at the 'gate entrance and looked back at the General

"SG-1 God speed" Hammond farewelled them

"Don't wait up General...but please leave the lights on." O'Neill said just before walking through the 'gate. Hammond shook his head and went to his office to catch up on the paper work that he needed to work on.

_**P3X-757**_

Jack looked around at the planet that looked like it was the Sahara dessert on Earth, there was sand and heat every where with little to no vegetation. He saw that there were sand dunes everywhere Carter looked at her "People locator" and pointed away from the 'gate.

"This way sir about an hours walk." Sam mentioned pointing with her head straight ahead. Jack cupped his hands over his eyes and stared. There was the sky and sand.

"If your sure Carter. Ok campers of to…nothing" Jack said as Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c followed Carter with the doohickie. They walked for half an hour before Jack complained.

"Ah man, wait up guys." Jack said as he leant on Teal'c with one arm and lifted a leg

"Uh Jack do you have to take of your shoes?" Daniel asked

"Yes I do Daniel, got a problem with that?" Jack asked

"Uh well I just remember the awful smell last team night and that day wasn't as hot as today." Daniel mentioned hesitantly Jack saw Carter turn her back to him and he head went down like she was trying not to laugh. In response Jack upended his shoe and let the sand out before putting it back on.

"See no smell." Jack said like a five year old as he walked away, Daniel shrugged and went back to follow Jack and Sam with Teal'c covering their rear.

SG-1 took on last turn and miraculously a town appeared out of nowhere.

"Ha Broken Hill." Daniel muttered

"Broken Hill?" Jack asked

"Oh a small town in New South Wales Australia you follow a straight roads for hours there's no hint of a town turn one last corner and it is just there." Daniel replied

"Take it you had a dig there once?" Jack asked

"No, vacation. Not your cup of tea Jack, but the local's were friendly." Daniel replied

SG-1 SG-1

they reached the city out skirts where they saw men and women dressed in formal outfits with flowers on every door frame, seems there was a lot of reds and greens worn by women, Blue and yellow worn by men. Young children wore purple and orange colour not defined by their gender like their parents.

"Welcome travellers you have just arrived in time for the ceromony de boda." A young woman greeted them holding a basket full of bread.

"Daniel what's de bada?" Jack asked

"De boda. It's Spanish, its wedding ceremony; this must be their traditional clothing for it." Daniel replied to Jack then turned to the woman.

"Greetings, I am Daniel Jackson, this is Samantha Carter, Teal'c and Jack O'Neill." Daniel introduced them the members of SG-1 who waved in turn.

"I am Cecilia the la novia para ser" Cecilia said Daniel leant to SG-1

"Bride to be"

"Ah congratulations may you have a long and happy marriage." Jack warmly said

"Congratulations? What is that?" Cecilia asked

"Felicitaciones." Daniel replied Cecilia smiled and bowed similar to Teal'c to other Jaffa except her arm wasn't over her chest.

"Please come to the city, you must meet the rest of my people. It has been along time since we had visitors." Cecilia motioned them to follow her Daniel was watching the scenery the houses on the out skirts reminded him of the buildings from Pompeii and Herculaneum white washed, with frescoes and cobbled streets with horse and carts.

"This is amazing, they speak English with Spanish thrown in, and the architecture is from Pompeii and Herculaneum. Wow." Daniel was muttering wishing he had his pen and paper on hand and not in his pack buried under supplies. Jack was glad he didn't as Daniel would go to his own world will wonder off and get lost.

"This is the capilla de boda" Cecilia said walking up the stairs

"Ah the wedding church." Jack said

"Not quite, wedding chapel." Daniel corrected him

"You know Spanish sir?" Sam asked conversationally, Jack shook his head and pointed around to show them the floral arrangements

"Sarah had the church decorated the same way when we were wed only it was full of Black Magic roses and baby's breath." Jack said

"Raul, el marido para ser, come meet our visitors." Cecilia called two men walked out of the back room one was dressed full in white the other was wearing Black with a white band over his right arm.

"Who's a el marido para ser?" Sam asked

"'Husband to be'" Daniel replied

"Cecilia here so soon?" The man in Black asked then looked at the visitors.

"Oh my stars, welcome, welcome please sit you must have had a long journey to reach us and must be tired." The man in Black said

"We are fine, it hasn't been that long." Jack commented the man just bowed in the same manner as Cecilia had done.

"So what brings you to our small village?" The other man asked

"Pastor, I am sure they will tell us in their own time, this is a day of celebration not hostility." Raul said

"We are explorers we travel to other planets to meet other people and cultures." Daniel replied. Cecilia and Raul were happy to hear that, the pastor also became more open to them

"Then you are most welcome here. Would you like to stay for the ceremonia?" He asked

"We would love to." Sam replied

"We would?" Jack asked

"Sure why not? Daniel will get a kick out of it, and it looks like it is going to be a party." Sam replied Jack shrugged

"Sure we shall stay for the ceremony, would you like some help?" Jack offered getting a surprised look from his team mates.

"What a lot of work goes into a wedding." Jack said as if it was a normal fact to know.

"If you would excuse me pastor, I must change in to my traje ceremonial." Cecilia said as she bowed and walked away.

"Oh…Samantha? Would you be at all offended if you changed as well?" Cecilia asked

"Oh no, I guess not." Carter said as she walked along side Cecilia hoping that the dress would not cause as much of a stir here as it did on Simarka and the Shavadai's chief's son who saw her as a way to 'buy' his girlfriend for a wife off a warring tribe. That was one situation she doesn't want repeated. But she followed Cecilia to get properly attired for the wedding.

"Sorry, where are the girls going?" Jack asked watching the girls walking down the isle laughing and joking like old friends.

"To get into the ceremonial attire… Cecilia is getting into the wedding dress. I think they are also going to get Sam into one of the dresses." Daniel said.

"You are correct Daniel Jackson I am afraid I am going to have to ask the same of you three. Though I think we may have some problem with you Teal'c." The Pastor said

"Teal'c would there be anything else that is suitable? Perhaps he could be hidden in a corner…oh my that sounded rude of me. I only meant a place where your attire will not destáquese como un pulgar verde." Raul said.

"I think where ever Teal'c goes he will stand out like a green thumb Raul. Sorry Teal'c. We are good at blending in the background." Daniel said also as a translation.

"Oh I know my cousin Nathanial he would be the perfect fit for Teal'c." The Pastor said

"I think he will have a spare set, please follow me." The Pastor said as he tried to drag Teal'c and SG-1 behind him.

SG-1 SG-1

Sam and SG-1 were sitting at the back of the wedding chapel Sam was regretting the fact that she accepted the invitation. She was wearing a green dress that was from the collar bone to the ankles to wrist thankfully not too much embroidery but enough to give it a lift but the ceremony was in Spanish so the only person interested or who could understand were local's and Daniel, who was quietly commentating but everyone slowly tuned out. Sam saw that Teal'c was in light Kel'no'reem, Jack was probably thinking of _The Simpson's_ and Sam was thinking about the Stargate and how fast it would take her to run there in this dress.

"…Ahora pronuncíele marido y esposa" the Pastor said

"I now pronounce man and wife." Daniel repeated

"Yes!" Jack said excitedly showing how bored he was. Sam noticed that it took Teal'c a long time to stand only to see that the 'suite' he was given was two sizes too small, thankfully not too short in the legs. Everyone followed the Bride and Groom out of the chapel and into the village where there was a feast set up for the wedding guests.

"Visitors, I hope you were not bored?" The pastor asked guiding them to a seat near the bride and groom.

"No not at all, in fact it was riveting." Daniel replied speaking before Jack could SG-1 noticed that there was food placed on a plate in front of them by some working women and men.

"Have any of you been casado before?" The Pastor asked

"Yes, all us men except Samantha." Daniel replied

"You are an mujer soltera?" The pastor asked,

"Daniel? Translation please?" Sam asked

"Oh the Pastor asked if any of us were married I explained that you are the only one not to have been so he asked if you are an unmarried woman." Daniel replied

"Yes I am." Samantha replied the Pastor started to have a low private conversation with Daniel who was talking with his hands as well as his mouth

"Think we may have a situation." Jack warned the rest of SG-1

"I agree with you there sir" Sam replied in the corner of her mouth.

"Indeed." Teal'c agreed Sam and Jack were trying to work out how to get out of this mess when the Pastor called on some other men who looked well trained in the armed forces that came and arrested SG-1.

"Daniel, what is going on?" Jack asked trying to get over Daniel's rambling to the Pastor

"It seems that to have an unmarried woman with a group of men is breaking one of their laws, we are to be given a trial and press our case in front of a jury." Daniel explained as they were taken to a cell.

"Oh fer cryin' out loud, next time were asked Sam you're married to me." Jack said in frustration.

"Sure sir." Sam replied a little too enthusiastically trying to lighten the mood. The men of SG-1 were pushed into one cell and Sam was placed in the cell next door that looked to have been from a John Wayne movie.

"So what now Danny?" Jack asked.

SG-1 SG-1

A/N this was supposed to be a one shot but decided to grow. Should have the next chapter up soon.

E.


	2. The trial

A/N: The internet was playing up cause of all the storms we've had lately so now is a great time to write chapter 2 of Oops (title may change I didn't know what to call it LOL)

Thank you to PatriciaS and nexis44 for your reviews and for the people, who added me on your alerts, means a lot to me.

_**P3X-757**_

Daniel was pacing the jail cell using up all 15 feet that was in front of the metal bars leading to the door to freedom. Nothing anyone could say would get Daniel to talk back to them he would hold his hand up trying to get his thoughts into order and to try to find a way out of this. He was beginning to think it would have been better if he went and sat down next to Jack like everyone was suggesting when the Pastor and another man walked in.

"Visitors this is el jefe de policía he is also the juzgue a cargo de su ensayo" the Pastor said

"Daniel?" Jack asked walking to stand next to him.

"This man is the chief of Police as well as the judge in charge of our trial. Hopefully we can sort this out without having something go wrong." Daniel said turning to face the Pastor

"Daniel, don't think you see the big picture here…We are in Jail how more wrong can it get?" Jack asked

"We could be put to death, enslaved by the Goa'uld…" Daniel started to list Jack threw his hands up.

"Ok, ok sort out this mess." Jack said, Daniel turned to the Pastor and judge

"I was wondering if I would be able to have reserve en las leyes que hemos roto so my friends and I can prepare for our trial?" Daniel asked Jack cleared his throat.

"I asked for the book on laws that we broke Jack." Daniel said with out looking away from the Pastor and Judge/police.

"Thank you Daniel." Jack replied sarcastilcally Daniel heard Sam move to Jack but couldn't hear what she was saying he was too busy trying to understand the Pastor and his friend.

"Sir, I was thinking we have to contact General Hammond in one hour, if we don't he is going to think we have run into trouble." Sam said she saw Jack turn to her.

"Am I the only one to think that we are in trouble? We know nothing of their laws and yet we are being punished for you not being married, this is not a good thing Carter." Jack replied

"Sir, I know that but if Hammond sends in the back up team they will have the same problem as us… Lt. Hailey is on that team." Sam pressed Jack moved his head back to hit the wall several times.

"Not a good day. What do you suggest Carter?" Jack asked

"I don't know sir; the walls seem to be very thick and with our packs in the houses I don't think we are going to be able to get out." Sam informed him.

"T do you think you can get rid of one or two of these bricks?" Jack asked

"I do not know." Teal'c replied

"We can hear you, you know." The Judge said with a smirk

"You shall get the book you requested, oh you should also know that this building is connected to a cliff, if you escape you will fall into the sea." The Pastor said as he walked away with the judge.

"Did they hear much?" Jack asked Daniel like a guilty child who said something naughty about a friend.

"No just what they are used to hearing. They have agreed to let me read their law book so we can prepare for the court room. I think as soon as we say we made a mistake and will only travel with men no women we should be able to go home, but I need to read the book first." Daniel explained sitting on the floor next to Sam's cell.

"When will you get the book?" Sam asked nervously Daniel chuckled humourlessly.

"When they find it, apparently this type of crime hasn't been committed in three generations the book may be long lost." Daniel said

"So if the crime book is gone so is the crime." Jack said in his logical way of thinking. No one answered him all lost in their own thoughts.

"We still have to get in contact with General Hammond before he gets Hailey on the planet." Sam spoke after a while.

"That's not going to be easy." Daniel replied

"Indeed." Teal'c said as well.

Daniel finally got his book they found it in the archives and gave it to him he didn't mind the dust and almost crumpled pages. Jack had to admit the book looked different to what he thought it would look like as he was expecting a very thin almost 200 pages long book that was the size of a novel. What Daniel was given looks like an over stretched leather bound giant's book that was longer than his arm and as wide as Teal'c's chest. Daniel had to read it sitting on the floor with the book resting on the ground. He was busy translating the words and writing them to English when he stopped and re-read two pages.

"Uh-oh" Daniel said breaking the silence.

"He better have miss-interpreted the word." Jack said as he went to move next to Daniel.

"Uh no…no I didn't. We can't argue the case as we need someone who speaks the language fluently—"

"Yeah his name's Daniel Jackson you herd of him?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"And who is not on trial." Daniel finished off.

"Uh-oh" Sam and Jack said at the same time.

"Could we not get a representative from Earth to come to our assistance?" Teal'c asked

"No they must already be on the planet at the time of…encarcelamiento err imprisonment." Daniel read out leaning back trying to get rid of the kinks from his back and neck.

"So we are to walk into the court room with our heads on the block?" Jack asked

"Would we be able to get someone from this planet?" Sam asked but Daniel went back to translating and was in his own world.

"He didn't say no" Jack joked

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

_**EARTH STARGATE COMMAND**_

General Hammond walked to Sergent Harriman Walter who was working at the control centre directly in front of the 'gate who was running a diagnostic on the computers.

"Sergent, has SG-1 made contact yet?" Hammond asked scaring the technician

"No, not yet General. They were meant to 20 minutes ago." Walter replied

"Dial the gate." Hammond ordered,

"Yes sir." Walter said as he cancelled the diagnostic and dialled the gate address. The worm hole engaged and was open for travellers or in this case radio contact grabbing the microphone Hammond started to call SG-1.

"SG-1 this is Stargate Command do you copy...Repeat this is General Hammond you are over due to report please come in." He looked to Walter who shook his head there was no radio transition coming through.

"Close the gate. I want you to try again in half an hour. They probably couldn't get Daniel or Carter away from something." Hammond said lightly but he was worried the only time Jack or Teal'c didn't contact home was when they were captured.

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

_**P3X-757**_

Jack hated to wake Daniel as he new Daniel had only gone to sleep an hour ago but it sounded like someone was coming in through the room that was going to lead to the connecting door but as soon as the door opened Daniel woke and stood up, already used to the procedure after 3 years.

"Visitors your day of judgement has arrived. You will be placed in our tribunal de justicia where you will be tried for breaking the sacred law of accompanying an la mujer soltera en nuestras calles." The Judge said

"He said we are going to the court of law, and our crime was accompanying an unmarried women in their streets." Daniel translated.

"Your honour, we are ready for our trial." Daniel said the man opened the cell doors and SG-1 were handcuffed by iron cuffs.

"The time periods are all out of order as Earth knows it, these are the type of restraints used in the late 1700's early 1900's." Daniel said

"Very interesting Daniel but not at this time." Jack scolded as they were led out through the streets where the local's were interested in knowing what was going on. The court house was nothing like the court houses of the past it was just a large room with wooden benches in it if Teal'c was not told this was a court house he would have thought it to be a large gymnasium with chairs not work out machines. SG-1 were pushed onto a bench that was enclosed and locked the fence the fence had only came up to Sam's hips but held them there so it did its job. The judge came to stand in front of the room and address the people.

"Citizen's the visitors that came to our world yesterday came by and broke our second most sacred law, they had with them an unmarried female, as you know unwed women are not permitted to walk with out their father, older brother or husband within eye sight. None of these men are related to her by blood or bonds of marriage. Therefore they have broken the law and should be punished as the law suggests." The judge said he opened a gold book that looked like a large bible that many churches have on display and use on ceremonious occasions.

"Article 4.9 states that all guilty men and women shall have to pass one test each. They will draw a number and the test will then be carried out. As there are four of them the test shall be of sincerity, compassion, iron will and of faith." As the judge read out the tests SG-1 took numbers out Daniel had to quietly tell them what number was what.

"Visitor's who will be going first?" The Judge asked Teal'c stood up

"It is I." Teal'c said in a strong voice.

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1.

A/N this may not have been a very clear chapter but it was the best I could do, there was something wrong about it but couldn't figure out what (sure someone will tell me ;)

E.


	3. Tests

A/N Have no idea what Teal'c will be in for as my plan has gone out the window ;) Oh and Lt. Hailey is the LT. Hailey that gave Same a hard time in season 4 I kinda fast tracked her through the Air Force training (you believe that wanna by Sydney Harbour Bridge? LOL)

Also I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter but Teal'c was very hard for me to write I kept re-writing his comments but none of them felt Teal'cish (yes that's a word I made it one :) Also I deliberately miss-translated a phrase in this chapter this is where Daniel miss-translates a word bringing embarrassment and near death…

_**EARTH STARGATE COMMAND**_

General Hammond looked at SG-4 in front of him and saw that newly enlisted Lt. Hailey was nervous/excited to go through the gate. Hammond was not 100 sure that Hailey was ready for the programme but Carter backed her up so he gave his permission. Even though Hailey is only on the Stargate 'books' during the holidays and will be on different teams at a time it will give her a chance to see what her career is going to be like.

"Men and woman, we have a situation. SG-1 went to planet P3X-757 where they have not made contact in over one week, we are hoping that everything is fine" he paused while there was a coughing fit amongst the team in front of him "Knowing SG-1 that is not the case. We have also had no contact with the people of P3X-757 so we do not know if they are hostile or not, Colonel you have full permission to do what you deem necessary to get SG-1 and your team back alive." Hammond briefed them, everyone nodded, saluted and left the briefing room and headed to get into their off-world gear, then the check up and then off to save SG-1 and collect their prize money for having to save SG-1's butt.

P3X-757

Teal'c was standing in an open field with the elders and chief of police standing around him in a semi circle with the villagers and SG-1 facing him. He was bare chested with wires over his torso and head connected to a device that looked like it had two rocks with little lights attached to it Sam was looking over everyone's heads to see that it was not electrical lights but power crystals commonly found on Goa'uld mother ships. The Pastor came and stood in front of Teal'c but not close enough to be able to be touched by him in any way he had his hands out in front of him and raised above his shoulders.

"My children hear me! Teal'c is here today to have the test of sincerity bestowed upon him, if for any reason he does not tell something that is not the truth he shall be punished accordingly in private as it is written by our most prestigious God. Visitor Teal'c are you familiar with the rules?" He asked

"Indeed" Teal'c replied bowing as he did so the villagers stepped forward eager to hear Teal'c's words.

"Teal'c were you aware of our law when you came to our planet?" An elder asked

"I was not." Teal'c replied the crystal on Teal'c's right glowed red

"Would you have travelled with an mujer soltera if you new of this law?" Another elder asked.

"I would not." Teal'c answered the red crystal glowed once more.

"What does the symbol on your forehead mean?" A third asked

"This is devotion to a false god Apophis, whom I was once first prime until the Tau'ri promised to help free my people." The red crystal was still glowing their was hushed murmuring through the crowd.

"How long have you been with the Tau'ri?" The original elder asked

"Three almost four Earth Years." Teal'c replied the elders bowed to each other with their right hand placed under the left hand placed on their forehead.

"Thank you Teal'c you have passed the sincerity test. You are cleared of all charges." The Chief of police/judge said as the wires were taken off.

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

**Stargate side of P3X-757**

Colonel West and his team exited the Stargate to the planet P3X-757 and saw what SG-1 would have a vast baron desert with a wonderful view of sand dunes.

"Ok Hailey what do you see here?" West asked looking at the newest member of his team

"Ok not much of a risk assessment just yet, there is no ground cover or rocks for any enemy to hide behind, there is no water as far as the eye can see so we have to be careful with the water… Oh and SG-1 have been here already as there is a faint but noticeable SG-team style trail that can only be seen by those who were trained by Stargate Command." Hailey replied looking confident but she was sure he was going to mark her down as that was a rookie analysis not a SGC analysis.

"Very good Lt. ok men and women lets follow that trail Lt. Hailey found for us and save SG-1 and divvy up the prize money back at the SGC." Col. West stated they walked in silence and faster than they normally would—not because they had Hailey on the team and wanted to see how dainty she was but to see what mess SG-1 got themselves into this time.

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

Sg-1 was led away from where Teal'c had his test to another area where Jack had to follow through on his test of compassion.

"So Daniel, will all the tests be a simple answer our questions?" Jack asked

"I don't think so…it would make sense to jumble them up other wise anyone can think of different ways to answer a question to make it sound truthful." Daniel replied

"Compassion…how do you show that? Cry at a chic-flick movie?" Jack asked

"I don't know." Daniel replied

"How 'bout you Carter, how do you show compassion?" But before Sam could respond the elders disembarked from the group and SG-1 were led next to a stream where an old lady, a young mum with children and a dog were either playing or doing chores on the river bed, the water was running at a reasonable rate, with rocks through out the river.

"Jack you have the task of showing compassion—go about and show the compassion to the most needy of the group and tell us why you chose that particular person/people." The Pastor asked,

"Thanks." Jack answered he took in the look of the people in front if him and went to help the young mum and started talking to her while helping her wring her clothes dry the children were led away by the elderly woman while Jack was talking to the mum. The woman stood bowed with her hands by her side and left.

"Jack, why did you choose the young mother over the elderly lady? Or the children and their dog?" The Pastor asked

"The young mother—Theresa, was crying as she was doing her chores, while the children and the other woman—Francine, were happy and contented, Theresa needed someone to talk to as she needed to share with someone her troubles that all women get with raising children with out the empathy that she gets from the other women of the village." Jack replied the Pastor tilted his head to one side but saw the Judge nod his head once slowly.

"You have passed your test Jack you and Teal'c have both earnt your tickets home. Follow me." The Pastor said Daniel and Sam were beginning to feel that they were not going to be as lucky as Teal'c or Jack in their tests of iron will and of faith.

They turned up at the village where there was men lined up at a long bench and table with a pitcher of water and a glass in front of them.

"Samantha you have the task of iron will. In this task you will have to drink as much of agua de dios as you can the more you drink the more will to succeed and go home you have." The Pastor replied, Jack walked to Sam

"Carter, you ever been part of this type of competition?"

"Sort of… but it was chocolate milk and my brother and I was eight…" Sam replied

"DanielJackson what does agua de dios mean?" Teal'c asked

"Oh it is Water from god." Daniel replied

"How bad can drinking water be?" Sam replied and sat next to two men women came up and filled the glasses the men and Sam bought the glasses closer

"The women will not fill anymore glasses you must do this yourself." The Pastor replied Sam took all thought out of her mind as she prepared to drink the pitcher of water. The Pastor signalled that they start, Sam blocked out all noise and thought as she started to drink the weird tasting water, but from not eating or drinking all day it was a sweet relief. She was up to her seventh glass when the Pastor made everyone stop drinking, Sam looked around to see the men were falling off their chairs or singing off key.

"Samantha you too have proved worthy of returning home." The Pastor replied Sam went to stand up but felt strange putting it down to the amount of water she drank she headed to where her team was and with subtle help from Teal'c she followed her team to where Daniel had to do his test of faith.

They made it to a cave that was a normal cave you can find on Earth there was Stalagmites and stalactites growing from the water present in the cave, their was written history on the walls and a deep drop but the Pastor was pointing to a glowing red rock on the other side of the cave.

"Looks l-like a ruby." Sam said stuttering,

"Daniel you have to have faith in order to get to the stone, collect it and bring it to me." The Judge said Daniel nodded and went to the cliff edge.

"Why does this sound familiar?" Daniel asked himself as he looked over the edge and saw a vast amount of nothing ness, he dropped a rock but never heard a noise.

"Deep." He murmured to himself. He then spread out his arms and took a step off the cliff and landed on a stone bridge just large enough for him to walk comfortably across.

"Daniel! If you take another ten years off my life so help you!" Jack yelled visibly shaken Daniel waved to him as he walked over to the rock and looked at it. Sam was right it did look like a ruby uncut but polished he also noticed that there was a pressure switch under the ruby/rock he looked around to see a rock the same size and hopefully the same weight that he could swap it with. He tried that and it worked he walked with the stone to the judge.

"Thank you Daniel, Visitor's you have all passed your tests you are free to return to your home world." The judge stated as the Pastor returned the stone.

"Thank you." Daniel said they were led to the outskirts of town where they found SG-4 coming up to them.

"Hello their SG-1, was hoping we would run into you." West called out Daniel saw their linguist Maj. Hallows he waved to him and said

"Maj. Heiligt veins u en Lt. Hailey wordt getrouwd. ..it is tegen thier hoogste wet voor een ongetrouwde vrouw om met geen relaties of echtgenoot in uitzicht te lopen." Hallows looked taken back for a moment before winking and putting his hand across Hailey's waist and whispering in her ear, to anyone else it looked like he was whispering sweet nothings in her ear except to Daniel and himself Hailey blushed and laughed before swatting his hands away.

"Oh that is so sweet!" Sam squealed and clapped her hands really fast.

"Welcome visitors I take it you know each other?" The judge asked looking from SG-1 to SG-4

"Yes they are part of our world they were probably wondering why we were late checking in." Daniel replied

"Are any of you married?" The Pastor asked sceptically

"Yes sir, Hailey and I been married for two years now." Hallows replied

"That's right my name's Hailey Hallows or HH as I'm commonly known, this is my Husband Jeremy Hallows, Our leader Colonel West and Corporal Steve Price." Hailey said Jack leant over to Sam and Daniel

"She said that awfully fast…think she has been planning it awhile?" Jack asked Sam started giggling.

"Something funny Samantha?" The Pastor asked

"No sorry." Sam replied biting her lip.

"Visitor's you are free to return with your people, if you would like to continue trading please feel free…but no unmarried women." The judge said as SG-1 were given their packs.

**Half an hour later**

SG-1 and SG-4 were out of sight and hearing range before Daniel turned to Hallows.

"Sorry to ask you to say that you and Hailey were married but their laws state that no unmarried woman shall walk the streets with no husband or male relation within eye sight and the only way to be free of the charge is to complete tests." Daniel replied

"No worries, just glad we found you and you told us, otherwise SG-6 would have to save our asses." West mentioned Jack groaned at the idea of Marines saving them Sam finished drinking from her canteen.

"Aren't they the team Daniel insulted?" Sam asked crab walking.

"I believe so." Teal'c replied guiding her back to the group.

"Sam, are you ok?" Daniel asked Sam looked at him with her head tilted.

"I'm fine why d-do you ask?" Sam replied

"You're acting like me after I've drunk…too much." Daniel replied careful not to say 2 beers in front of SG-4.

"How can I when I haven't had any al-alka-booze?" Sam asked before having a full out laughing fit falling to her knees.

A/N

Have decided to end the chapter here or you will be reading for a long time to come LOL. I am not happy that Teal'c or Jack didn't get their POV's on the task but I couldn't work out how to have it and still keep in context…oh and the language Daniel spoke to Hallows in was Dutch and he said: Maj. Hallows pretend you and Lt. Hailey are married...it is against their highest law for an unmarried woman to be walking with no relations or husband in sight.


	4. Sam's drunk

A/N

Here's chapter 4. Again no idea where this is going the plan for each chapter has gone mumbles stupid computer losing things on me

**SGC**

General Hammond was eagerly awaiting any news that would come through the Stargate regarding SG-1 or SG-4 in reality it wasn't that long but to him it felt like a life time. He new he wasn't supposed to have favourites that every member of this base was to be liked and disliked on the same level but there was something about SG-1 that made him like them more than workmates more like family. He was pretending to do some paper work that anyone who comes into his office often would know that it wasn't done correctly.

"Off world activation," Walter called over the microphone George had descended down the stairs at a faster rate than usual.

"It's SG-1's IDC code sir." Walter said Hammond walked to the end of the Stargate ramp to see Carter leaning on Teal'c in a semi hug and Jack holding her upright by the scruff of her shirt.

"Colonel O'Neill what in blazes is going on?" Hammond asked Carter then started to laugh before she could say anything West and Daniel went to cover Sam's mouth in haste.

"Sam what was the deal?" Daniel asked Sam rolled her eyes and closed her mouth West removed his hand only to have Sam poke her tongue out at them.

"Uh we found the people on P3X-hell hole didn't allow unmarried women to be walking the streets with out her husband or male blood relation walking with her so after having to do several tests Carter seems to somehow got drunk on water." Jack replied Hammond was trying to remain focused on Jack but seeing Sam laugh and unsuccessfully sliding to the floor as Teal'c was holding her upright he was losing the battle fast.

"Take Major Carter and yourselves to the infirmary, debrief in 2 hours." Hammond replied hoping that was enough time for Sam to get past tipsy though seeing her guided by both teams he thinks the debriefing may be post poned till the next day, around dinner time.

**Infirmary**

Janet was stock taking her medicine cabinet when she heard Jack yell "Fer cryin' out loud—Carter stand up!" Janet walked past her staff to see Sam on the floor leaning against the wall with her knees up and head down all Janet could see was her shoulders shaking walking up to Daniel she went into friend mode.

"Daniel is Sam alright?"

"Oh Janet hi, umm yeah she's not crying well not tearfully crying she's umm…laughing." Daniel replied

"Laughing about what?" Janet asked only to see Lt. Hailey and Maj. Hallows step apart from each other.

"Long story we need Sam to sober up in 1 hour 30 minutes." Daniel replied

"We have a debriefing two-hours after we got through the gate…its taken us all 30 minutes to get Sam this far…anything and everything sends her into 'giggle mode'" Daniel replied Jack took one look at Carter before getting Teal'c to pick her up and set her on the nearest bed.

"Oh that was too fast." Sam replied holding her head.

"Ok she's getting passed the happy stage." West replied Janet's newest nurse came up with a bucket and placed it next to Sam.

"Ok how did Sam get drunk?" Janet asked Jack and Daniel both started to talk about the planet.

"Then Daniel goes and tells Carter "Oh its water from God nothing to worry about."

"God Jack I apologized to Sam who laughed it off, I made one simple miss translation and it's the end of the world." Daniel said Janet who was writing down the tests to run asked

"What was the translation supposed to have been?"

"Water OF god, alcohol if I new that I would have told Sam but I had to translate for everyone and listen to the Pastor and Judge…translators have been getting things wrong for years Jack lay off me." Daniel pleaded; Janet took blood samples and set her up an IV of fluids and vitamin B to help lessen the likely hood of a hang over. Unfortunately only time will be able to sober her up, for the moment she was sleeping it off though Teal'c was looming over her watching to make sure she doesn't run off.

"Well all Sam needs now is time, lets get you all through your post-mission examination so you can get ready to talk to General Hammond." Janet replied the post-op examinations didn't take long as all the nurses helped with the large crowd, Janet was asking Daniel if he ingested any of God's water to get a half hearted glare.

"No only Sam was told to drink something we were all given tasks." Daniel then described the tasks to Janet who laughed when Jack had to show compassion.

"That is a hard task to ask anyone to do, compassion can be anything from talking to someone to doing their chores…what would have happened if one of you didn't complete the task?" Janet asked

"Oh we would be sent to more punishment, I don't know what the punishment would have been but I'm glad I didn't find out." Daniel replied.

"Ok your free to go, if you do feel strange or abnormal then come back." Janet said as Daniel got off the bed.

"Thanks Janet…See you later." Daniel said as he followed Jack to the showers they left Sam behind who was sleeping under a blanket, the nurse just then inserting the IV to Sam.

**Debriefing room**

Hammond was waiting for everyone to come to the briefing sitting in his chair he saw all of SG-4 and SG-1 minus Carter come in and sit down.

"Ok SG-1 why don't you start telling me why I have a drunk major in the infirmary." Hammond suggested, Jack cleared his throat and began the debriefing.

**Infirmary**

Janet heard Sam giggling and looked behind her to see Sam curled up in a ball on her side looking at Janet.

"Ah you're awake earlier than I thought. How do you feel?" Janet asked Sam started to laugh.

"I feel fine Janet why am I in the infirmary? I could leap tall buildings in a single bound." Sam replied then started to sing the Superman theme.

"Sam. Listen you need to be quiet there are sick people in here who need their rest." Sam stopped singing looked around then drunkenly whispered.

"Oops sorry, your right. Sorry guys." Sam yelled at the end only to be rewarded by a glare from Janet.

"What? I had to apologize." Sam replied with a grin.

"You haven't been drinking you should be sobering up." Janet muttered to herself.

"I'm drunk? On base great April fools joke Janet. See if I sit up like I am now I can prove to you I am sober." Sam said Janet then lifted her so she was in the upright position not laying on her back.

"Why'd you do that for?" Sam asked

"Now you are sitting upright." Janet said with half a smirk, Sam looked around her to see

"Oh, well here let me touch me nose." Sam said Janet was worried Sam's hands were shaking and it took several attempts to touch her nose with her finger still on her nose she looked triumphantly at Janet

"See Sober." She said as she got off the bed and fell on the floor.

"Hmm Janet? Your floors nice and clean." Sam said before going into hysterical laughter.

"I can see my face it's a pretty face." Sam said Janet with the help of one of the make doctors got Sam back on the bed she was swaying side to side back to front looking at anything nothing could hold her attention.

"Ah Carter you're awake." Jack said walking through the infirmary doors.

"Ah my buds," she went back to looking at Janet "Their my buds, they are my fam-family, I love them" Sam replied Jack and the rest of SG-1 looked taken back including Teal'c Sam laughed behind her hand and said loud enough for everyone to hear but acted like it was only for Janet to hear

"I think I em-embar—embarrasmented them." Sam replied with a grin

"Ok Carter why don't you go to bed and sleep?" Jack suggested

"Jack, you know why I love you?" Sam asked

"Sleep Carter" Jack replied

"Because you treat me like an equal none of this 'you're a female you do woman's work' you allow me to do men's work" Sam said Janet was hoping no one else was able to hear the conversation but looking around only the minimum staff was working and Sam was the only patient in the room. When it looked like Sam had gone back to sleep Janet motioned them to follow her but Daniel stayed with Sam.

"Janet what was that about?" Jack asked Janet shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know after you left and the IV went in she started to laugh and become drunk it took her 3 minutes to be able to touch her nose." Janet replied

"Ouch, glad she wasn't pulled over." Jack replied earning a glare from Janet.

"Major Carter became more intoxicated when ever she had liquid could this be a cause?" Teal'c asked

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer shoot one down turn it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall. Come on Daniel you know the words." Sam said jumping up and down while sitting on the bed

"Err I don't think you should be jumping there Sam." Daniel replied.

"Lets try removing the saline drip for a while see how she goes." Janet replied Janet, Teal'c and Jack walked to Sam where Janet removed the IV line.

"Yay I can go?" Sam asked

"Not yet, but if you are hungry you can go as far as the cafeteria to get something to eat…if you need to come back for any reason—do so." Janet said to Sam but leant over to Jack and Teal'c "If you feel she needs to come back bring her. Do not take her anywhere but the cafeteria." Janet replied

"No gizmo's can do doc." Jack replied with a grin

"Indeed" Teal'c acknowledged bowing slightly.

**Cafeteria**

Sam was playing with her blue jello before eating it, Daniel noticed that she was not the hyped up bouncy drunk she was but since sitting down became quite emotional.

"I can't believe I can't go do my work, Daniel I feel fine." Sam said Daniel wished Jack and Teal'c would hurry up it looked like Sam was going to cry all over him.

"Sam it's ok you can do your work tomorrow, Hammond allowed us to have today as an R&R after the mission to 'unwind' as he put it." Daniel made up hoping Hammond wasn't going to be angry at Daniel for putting words in his mouth.

"Oh that doesn't sound like him…why can't I go to my lab? I won't make a fuss—he won't even know I'm there." Sam said _oh no the tears are falling JACK WHERE ARE YOU _Daniel thought to himself.

"Hey Carter you being a pain to Daniel?" Jack teased

"Sir, please tell Daniel I can go to my lab…make it an order." Sam asked with tears welling

"Ah but carter if you go to your lab what will we do all day?" Jack asked as a way of distracting her. This was not the reaction Sam was after and burst into tears in the cafeteria thankfully it was only nine at night so only cleaning/cooking staff and one or two personnel were witnesses.

"Ok let's get you out of here and cleaned up." Jack replied while Sam was crying they led her to the infirmary

"Oh Do-oc we have a surprise for you." Jack called Janet came in and saw the state Sam was in.

"Sam what's wrong?" Janet asked

"They won't…let me in my lab…I want to go." Sam cried

"Ok sit here and we can talk about it I'll get the ice cream ok?" Janet asked

"OK the liquids not what's making her drunk." Daniel replied

"Actually the alcohol Sam drank is not like normal Earth alcohol this stay in the system the more you eat or drink the more pickled you get." Janet replied

"So what your saying is…?" Daniel prompted her

"We need to stave out the organism and hope that works." Janet replied

"Could we not consult the Tok'ra perhaps they can be of assistance?" Teal'c asked

"Oh that would go well 'Hi Jacob how are you? Oh were good except we got your daughter so drunk we need your help.' That would go by so well." Jack replied sarcastically

"Sir, Teal'c does have a point…maybe we can get their help?" Janet asked

"We'll try the starvation for a day then try them." Jack decided everyone looked at Sam who had fallen asleep again and hoped that it would work.

**Next Day**

Jack was bored, they decided the best way for Carter not to eat or drink was to go to her lab and look at something new thankfully SG-5 bought in a doo-hickey two days ago and Carter could look at it. She had stopped talking to Jack 2 hours ago, Daniel was catching up on sleep after chasing Sam down the halls all night and Teal'c was teaching sparring lessons to the new recruits. Jack was spinning on Sam's spare office chair when Jacob walked through the door with the "You did what to my daughter look" Jack followed Jacob outside

"Now what is this I hear about you getting Sammy drunk?" Jacob asked in a cold voice that sent more fear down the spine than yelling ever could. Jack gulped and wished Daniel was there.

A/N

Leaving this chapter here. Sam's drunkenness was based on one of my friends I have never been drunk (if you can't remember it and there is no video evidence it doesn't exist ;P) please R&R.

E.


	5. Jacob and Sam

A/N

Sorry for the delay (yet again) I had to reformat the computer as it was playing up, then couldn't find the Word CD, then mental blockage attacked anyway on with the next chapter….

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

Jack felt like his entire line of vision just zoomed in on Carter's father when he asked him the question. Feeling like he was a sixteen year old on his first date and took her home several hours after curfew Jack just stood staring at him mutely.

"Well I'm waiting Colonel." _Oh great he's using RANK_ Jack thought.

"Well you see Sir; we went to a planet and Daniel miss-translated—"

"Don't pass the buck in front of me Colonel. You have a rank of power and of Team Leader everything you do should reflect to the benefit of your team,_you_ are supposed to ensure that nothing can harm them in anyway… yes missions go wrong but you are the one who must ensure they run as smooth as possible." Jacob reprimanded him before walking into his daughter's office.

"Hey what's this no hug?" Jacob asked with his hands out raised next to his waist Sam spun round to face her father.

"Dad! What are you doing here? I didn't hear the sirens of gate activation." Sam said giving her dad a hug. Jack had to admit this was one of the very few times that he had seen the Carter's show emotion to each other, unless it's Mark and his family but that's because their not military.

"What a father can't see his daughter?" Jacob asked this made Sam look at him

"That's two questions with no statement, what's wrong?" Sam asked skeptically Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Salmek's complaining that I haven't de-stressed since the last mission we were on and talked to the Tok'ra high council and convinced them that it would be a good idea to visit you until I err we were needed again." Jacob answered.

"I missed you too dad, and you as well Salmek." Sam answered she stepped back from her father.

"So what are you working on there?" Jacob asked Jack was still hanging around in the background hoping not to get noticed and demoted by Jacob who even though he didn't live on Earth anymore was still a highly decorated and respected General.

"Oh this was bought through the 'gate by another SG team I was trying to work out what it does. Daniel and his team couldn't make heads or tails of the writing and I can't make heads or tails of the programming. If I didn't know any better I would have betted money that Mark's friend Barry made this to annoy me again." Sam replied Jacob grinned at the reference.

"I'm sure Barry then and now didn't mean to re-wire your science project and de-commission it." Jacob said

"You're kidding? He was my competition if I had the globe entered I would have won not his stupid metallic _pet_." Sam said sourly it was many years ago but it was only yesterday to Sam, was the only science fair she couldn't enter since she was eligible to enter one. And she managed to make the globe of the world that would light up the cities that would have been in night. Took her many, many months to create as it was when they had to move and her spare time was taken up by moving. The Air Force would always send a team in to the house to pack but her mother wanted things packed her way.

"C'mon Sammy that was a long time ago," Jacob said sounding like he was tired of this conversation.

"Sorry dad…so how long are you here for?" Sam asked

"How ever long it takes for…Salmek to decide I am no longer stressed." Jacob replied

"Hmm that may be awhile." Sam said grinning only to get a glare from her father.

"Well I'll leave you two alone to catch up…if anyone wants me I'll be with T." Jack said as he left Sam and her father alone in Sam's lab.

Sam waited till she was certain that the Colonel had left till she faced her father.

"Why don't we go grab a cup of coffee and you tell me the _real_ reason why you're here." Sam suggested.

"Wish I could Sam but I was told you are on a no liquid/food diet for your health." Jacob replied before he could keep the secret covered. _Way to go Mr. General of Earth he who can convince a high system lord that your completely devoted to him without raising any concern. _Salmek taunted

_Shut up it wasn't my fault. You have too high a honesty streak that really aggravates me._ Jacob replied

_Oh so it's my fault? I was trying to work out something completely different than to intrude on a father-daughter discussion._ Salmek replied

_Yeah you believe that_ Jacob replied sarcastically. Sam just looked at him dumbfounded.

"Why? I'm perfectly fine." Sam said sitting on the bench not noticing the conversation between host and symbiote.

"Sam…something happened on your last mission, you remember when you had to drink all that water? Well it appears there was more to the water than Daniel rapidly translated…you drank alcohol and it's not like the vodka you get here…this stuff stays in your system. The more you eat or drink the further you get intoxicated. Dr. Frasier didn't put it on your record incase someone breaks into the files and slanders your name later on…after all who would believe that there is alcohol on another planet?" Jacob filled her in. He new there was going to be trouble as Sam's face was held neutrally. For the first time in Sam's life he couldn't see what Sam was thinking.

"So even now I'm drunk?" Sam asked

"We don't know. We are erring on the side of caution at the moment." Jacob honestly filled her in Sam looked at her hands clasped between her knees a pose she held often after her mum died. With out warning Sam shot her father a scathing look.

"So you're hear out of…pity? There was no "Needing to de-stress" is there?" Sam rounded on her father. Jacob raised his hands and backed away from his approaching daughter.

"Sam. Calm down." Jacob said putting his hands on her shoulders when he reached the wall he noticed that Sam was trying to calm down.

"It wasn't anyone's fault and I came here because George thought I should know and I came to help you…not out of pity." Jacob said.

"Yeah right. See Dad I'm fine go back to the Tok'ra council I'm sure they will need you and Salmek." Sam said slipping from her father's hold and walking out of her office.

_I believe this would be the appropriate time to use to Tauri saying 'oops' _Salmek replied

_I can't wait till—oh you don't make children dammit_ Jacob replied as he tried to follow Sam who seemed to disappear from sight.

"Sam you learnt concealment too well." Jacob muttered to himself he then headed left to see if she went to yell at Daniel…after all that's what he feels like doing.

SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1 SG-1

A/N

Sorry that it's so short, just can't think of anything LOL should update soon though hope hope

E.


End file.
